Freedom

“I want to recover so I can feel free”. I recited these words verbatim to every new therapist I met, but with no passion or meaning behind my words. I thought it was the right thing to say, feeling free– that sounds genuine, right? I was so entrenched in my disorder that I didn’t think for a second I would ever actually be free. Yet somewhere between my first time going to the doctor for my ED and my last day of IOP, I found out that what I had been telling myself for years was actually possible– I was free. I think I realized I was free for the first time when I asked my sister to take me out to ice cream, or when I got boba on a whim, or when I deleted calorie trackers, or when I threw away my old ‘sick’ clothes. Soon, that voice that had chained me down to my spot, not letting me do anything without meticulous planning, was so quiet. The voice was hidden in the darkest back corners of my mind. That’s not to say I don’t hear it sometimes, trying to shout in a measly, strained voice. I do. But freedom means ignoring the voice. Freedom means opposite action, spontaneity, and joy. Some days, I’m doing something my ED prevented me from doing for years, and I don't even realize, or hesitate. If I was reading this blog post even just a year ago, I would have laughed. It didn’t feel like this could ever be my reality. But now, it is. That’s why I believe in every single one of you reading this. Whether you started recovery an hour ago, six months ago, or three years ago, I know that all of you can reach freedom. Freedom can look different for everyone. Freedom could be feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Freedom could be forgetting about that voice, even for just a day. Freedom could be full recovery. There is no one way to feel free. If you feel the voice shrinking, you are one step closer to finding freedom. Keep fighting, recovery is possible, recovery is for everyone.

-Hannah R.